Trying to Fit In
I have spent most of my life trying to fit in. I wanted to make sure that I liked just the right music, knew the latest trends, hung out with the cool kids, dated the hot guys, but no matter how hard I tried, I don’t think I ever really fit in. Don’t get me wrong, I had friends and boyfriends. I know I was definitely not the most popular girl in school, but I was also not the least popular either. Throughout it all, I don’t think I ever really figured out who I was. I was always so afraid that if the others didn’t like what I said or if what I did wasn’t cool enough, I would be cast aside, made fun of, or even worse… I’d be left out.
It was a month before my 18th birthday. My two closest friends and I were at the mall hanging out. I had been scoping out one of the guys that worked at the Radio Shack, but I was far too scared to go in and try to strike up a conversation with him. One of my friends decided to go in to tell the guy that I thought he was hot. Very lucky for me, he was flattered and wanted to meet me. Little did I know at that moment, that 23 years later we’d be married with 2 adult daughters. But I did know the moment I met him face to face, that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. That was the first time in my entire life that I was sure something was real for me.
In 2005 I was introduced to Millixi, well, actually I helped create her, but mostly she became part of me. Eric has always been a gamer, and I wanted to show interest in one of his hobbies, so I decided to try and play World of Warcraft with him. He loved gaming with his friends, and it appeared to be so much fun. Millixi is small & squishy (wears cloth armour), but she is smart, an alchemist, and mighty. Give her a little time, and she can kick ass! Now that is my kind of girl! And from that moment on, Millixi was a part of me. So much a part of me, my friends got together and bought me a MILLIXI license plate for my birthday one year.
Eric had been very strong and supportive over the years in my various quests to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. As a part of my trying to fit in, I was never able to figure out what I wanted to do either. I stayed at home for a few years when the girls were little, but I lacked scheduling and structure, so I entered into the workforce. I worked as a front desk clerk at a hotel, at a school as an Educational Assistant. I went to university for a while to obtain my teaching degree(didn’t last long). I went back into the workforce and tried a few office jobs, and settled at a job with the province. Then I found out that the provincial government was making cutbacks, and my office was next to be hit. I was going to lose my job in 4 months. I went home and told Eric, and he said that I should try to get back into working at the school. He said that he knew I had missed being with the kids, and that is where I should be. So back to the school as an EA is where I went. I am so happy to be back with the kids.
Flash forward to the Spring of 2020. Who knew that we’d be in a world pandemic and not allowed to leave our homes, not allowed to visit our families and friends, most public places shut down. Schools were the first to shut down, then others followed. Seeing all of the student’s belongings in the gym, waiting to be picked up, was so surreal. I had some time to think, to think about what I really wanted and you know what? I couldn’t tell you what I wanted.
It all finally started to make sense. All of those years that I couldn’t make decisions for myself, there was a reason for it. All of those years I had spent trying to fit in and worrying about what others thought, I forgot to find me and figure out who I was and what I wanted.
So that brings us to the creation of Life With Millixi. I am going to spend some time learning about what I like, self-care techniques, beauty hacks, girlie things, just really learn about me and I’m going to write about what I discover. If you like what you read great! But if you don’t, that’s okay too because you know what? I’m Millixi, and this is me.
So, I have just one question for you. If today was the last day of your life, would you be happy with how you treated yourself throughout your life?
